Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
