Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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