If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Still dying that you shit outside
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
