can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize