i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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