I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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