bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
