Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Holy shit dude........stairs
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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