If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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