Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
