he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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