I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
