Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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