just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
