Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize