Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
whose parrot is this?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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