i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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