I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
