we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
