great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
