I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
