Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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