Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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