I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
