the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
