I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
