I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
