Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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