So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
