can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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