I'm gonna have a badass scar
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize