It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
