1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
