Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
