I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
