i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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