My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
