I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
