so that wasnt chicken after all
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
