His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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