She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
