I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
