Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
