3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
