ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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