Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
