Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
