My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
