Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
