Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
