Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
