I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize