Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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