a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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