david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
