Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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