You're my little dorito
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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