if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
