NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
