Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
