fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
false alarm, still single
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
