i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
