I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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