walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
